I am guilty of insect genocide on a massive scale – reincarnation better be false

Perhaps it’s symptomatic of living in a city, divorced from the tranquil nature infested quagmire that is the countryside, but I have become irrationally enraged by infestations of some of god’s tinier and more annoying creations.

At work there has been an unending supply of little midges in the office for ages. They mostly enjoy spending their day madly wobbling about in the air directly in front of my face as I try to work, and as soon as I have managed to waft it away (by crazily flailing my arms about) another one will madly wobble over.  Two of my friend houses have become the new residences of some delightful blood sucking parasites called bed bugs. These little guys are nts, which I found out when I stayed in one of the flats and woke to find bites all over me. I felt violated, raped even. blood raped. Now even my home isn’t safe as we have been befriended by an infestation of fruit flies. They mostly enjoy sneaking onto plates obscured by other dirty dishes, or into empty beer tins, and then scaring the crap out of me when I finally get round to cleaning up when I’m hungover.

I was today reminiscing fondly of my days at school, where a project in biology was to study some fruit flies by examining the colouration on certain ones after they had been having sex parties all over a mouldy apple. Can’t remember what for – something to do with DNA I’m sure. When the time came to examine them we had to put a little “fruit fly sleepy go snooze” on them so the little fellows dropped of into to dreamytowne and then we could find out what colour they were whilst they had little dreams about mouldy fruit. Now what thanks do I get for my naive benevolence they come round my house and have sex parties all over my empty beer cans and dirty plates.

Maybe I should lighten up and welcome my fellow creatures with open arms, instead of denying our ultimately common ancestry. But then I have long since abandoned the idea that I am some sort of cosmopolitan liberal hippy type like back in student days… So really the school system should be there to teach me fundimental skills I will use in later life, like how to mass murder insects instead of how to get them to sleep

p.s. Sorry that there is no pest control advice here if that is how you found this.