14. The border to Cambodia

The night bus to Bangkok was uneventful, and sleepless. We arrived in the city in the small hours (5 am or so). I once again had no intention of spending any more time in Bangkok than was absolutely necessary, and had already booked my onward travel from a harassed looking attendant at the packed ferry terminal leaving Kho Phagnan. It had scrawled on it that I was to be picked up at 9 from a hotel near a McDonalds on Kao San road.

Like the last time as we disembarked from the bus there was a small crowd of sleepy but eager looking taxi drivers waiting to take us where we needed to go. I did not recognise where I was so I asked one of the taxi drivers how much it would cost to go to Kao San road, expecting him to quote something exorbitant, but amazingly he told me I could just walk because it was only round the corner. I thanked him and headed off.

When I arrived I saw Kao San for in it's very small hours.  It was much the same as I had left it: rowdy bars; pop-up stalls selling various things; an impromptu party in the middle of the street where travellers had gathered around a portable stereo to dance. I was tired so rather than join in I focused on finding the pick up point for later. Eventually I found the posh hotel by the McDonalds. The staff helpfully advised that the mini bus pick up point was actually outside the McDonalds. So with that I went in there and purchased myself a McSomethingorother breakfast and settled in to wait.
I got talking to a couple from the UK who were also waiting for a transfer to Cambodia, except they were heading to Siam Reap in the north rather than the capital Phnom Penh which is where I was headed. After whiling away a couple more hours it came to pick up time so we gathered outside. As I had become accustomed to from Thai transfers; They were late. The girl from the couple was obviously less patient and agonised over where they were at length. There were a few other people waiting with us, a Canadian guy called Pat and some Thai holiday makers. I conversed briefly with Pat who was also headed to Siem Reap as well. I was starting to think that my plan to go to Phnom Pehn first was foolish! Although whilst I say plan, the only thing I had resolved to do was go to Phnom Pehn and then Vietnam at some point thereafter. Well after about another hour, and more fretting from the girl a man sauntered over and lead us to the minibus.

The journey to the border took us around 4 hours which was mostly spent chatting with the couple and Pat. During this time I decided that I too would head to Siem Reap, since obviously that's what all the cool kids were doing. It made sense too because going from there to Phnom Pehn was a neat line that could lead to the coast.
We got to the border and were hoofed out into some kind of office in the middle of nowhere that seemed to be something to do with tourism, or maybe it was a restaurant. It was tough to tell. I had been warned by my guidebook that where would be people that would try to rip you off going from Thailand to Cambodia for visas and connections etc - so had a suspicion that this what was happening here. However it did not seem like we had much of a choice, and also the office rep character was quite convincing in his assurances that this was all completely necessary and normal. Fundamentally I wasn't overly concerned because it seemed like going along with it would result in me being in Cambodia, which is all I really cared about at that point. In the end the price was fine, their fee, the visa, transport and changing my ticket from Phnom Pehn to Siem Reap turned out to only be inflated by something like $10 from the absolute minimum when I worked it out later, All of us English speakers booked into the same guest house as it seemed like a good deal.

With all of the admin complete we were loaded into a covered pick up (like the Sanglanthews in Chiang Mai) accompanied by the "rep" from the office. It was only a short ride, after which we  enjoyed a walk to the border proper. On the walk our rep lectured us all about how we must be careful in Cambodia because everything is terrible there. We would be ripped off for converting our home currency, so before we go we should take some Thai Baht from an ATM machine to change. Then he also told us to be careful on the way to the border, and look nobody in the eye in case we get mugged. The tensions between Thailand and Cambodia must run deep!
In the end it was fine and apart from having to queue for a long time none of us had any issues getting into the country,

My first impression of Cambodia was that people generally seemed a little worse off, some people begging and on the roads I saw quite a few vehicles that appeared to just be an engine with a pole sticking out of it and a seat nailed on, chugging along at 20 mph.

The journey was only interrupted by our requests to stop for a snack and to change our money. So we were taken to a random featureless building where we all changed up our Thai Baht for Cambodian dollars. Well, they were US Dollars but apparently that we the de facto currency here thanks to runaway inflation of the actual currency: riels.

Siam Reap

We arrived in Siem Reap in the early evening and after a pleasant tuk tuk ride we booked into the Angkor Thom guest house and I am pleased to confirm that we did not get ripped off or mugged by anyone.

13. Full Moon Party

In the last exciting installment of: why I am a buffoon, I described how I slept through the half moon party. Well I refused to have it be a thing that I would leave Ko Phagnan without experiencing some sort of [phase of moon] party. The full moon party was in just under 2 weeks time, so I decided that in the name of science I would bear the unwanted task of being on sunny Ko Phagnan till then.

One thing that had been plaguing the island were endless power cuts. The day after the half moon there was another one of these - except this time it did not seem like it would ever end! I met up with Jack and his friend and we decided to see if the power cuts were only affecting First Villas by taking a trip to Had Rin beach (where the full moon party would be). We were joined by my other neighbors: a brother sister pair from California.

We grabbed a taxi and headed out. Once there we quickly discovered that they too had no power either. Well we decided to make the most of our visit, and made our way to a bar to drank a million Changs in the rain and gloom. The power never did come back on so eventually we drunkenly got a taxi back in pitch blackness.

A few days later Jack and his friend headed off to Ko Phi Phi. Almost as soon as they had departed the monsoon hit with a fury that lasted for days. That meant that for pretty much the remainder of my stay my intended activities were hampered somewhat. Well: I say activities, although this might be a bit of a grand description for my designs on sitting around on the beach. Anyway instead of that I spend most of my time in shelter reading, drinking and chilling. I did take the odd trip to the nearest town to explore and get drenched.
On one occasion in the interest of keeping active I visited a gym. I managed to track one down in a nearby town with help from the couple who ran first villas. It turned out that this gyms primary function was for Mai Thai boxing training, so the equipment all flanked a boxing ring where people were practicing sparring. I huffed and puffed on equipment near the edge and attempted to look rough and like I belonged there.

Eventually the night of the full moon dawned. I had obviously vowed to not miss it come hell or high water. So I had booked a taxi ages in advance and was ready waiting a good 20 minutes before it was due. A pickup containing some other revelers duly arrived and we were on our way over the hills to Had Rin! We made good time and I found a transformed place from the one I had visited some days ago, being as it was, stuffed with 20,000 luminous party goers all going for it on a one mile stretch of beach.

It wasn't only this picture that got blurry

I felt conspicuously sober, so grabbed the first bucket of booze I could find, and headed into the throng. It was good fun chatting to strangers and checking out the different djs dotted about the place. After a while I plopped down onto the beach and got talking to a group of English folk: Paul, Rita, Jane and Simon*. We quickly found out that we were all from the same town! What are the chances, dear reader?

I can't remember who suggested it but we all agreed to drink shots from Mellow Mountain. Things went a bit sideways after that. Everyone in unison felt compelled to have a lie down on the beach. I spent some time enjoying looking at the various vast epic vistas i could see playing out on the clouds above me.

Various party-goers did pop over to chat to us on our backs  staring in amazement at the sky, curious as to what the big deal was. One of the only such chat I remember is one girl, dressed in loomy clothes and body paint. She asked how I was, I told her I was fine, and decided to pay the best compliment I could manage, so I said that she was colourful.

One inkling of sense beamed through the fog of my inebriation. It alerted me to the fact that these gigantic clouds that we were staring at might have some water in them. As I shared my epiphany with the others it started to absolutely chuck it down. Back to Mushroom Mountain we hurriedly went for shelter, finally making it with only minor injuries.
From then on I don't really remember anything. I am fairly sure that at one point me and one of the group may have found out how to end global conflict... or was it the cure starvation? I'm not sure. I could have sworn that I had written it on my hand, but when I checked the next day there was only a smiley face drawn there.

I finally got back to First Villas with about 5 hours to pack everything and have a snooze before my onward ferry. Timing the ferry ticket for the day after the full moon party probably slightly foolish in hindsight. Not only because I was quite hung over and bleary, but also that half of the tourists on the island had the same idea, which I realised at the ferry port which was bursting at the seams when I got there.
The ferry to Surat Thani was massively full. Still the buses to Bangkok were comfortable and I caught up on some sleep. I was headed for Cambodia!

* These names are completely made up. At this point I had drunk about 3 bucketfuls of drink, and so I had absolutely no idea what their names were.

12. The half moon un-party on Ko Phagnan

The weather was distinctly monsoon-y, and this reflected very much in the choppiness of the ocean as the ferry heaved its way towards Ko Phagnan. This rendered a large proportion of the passengers seasick, and meant that I had to spend a lot of the journey trying to ignore that and hold on to my lunch.

Before leaving Ko samui I had learned that one of the people I had become friends with from my dive group, Jack, was already on Ko Phagnan. I had sent him a message telling him I had planned to go there too. He let me know where was he staying: at "First Villas" with a friend of his. So with this in mind after the ferry docked I found a taxi willing to take me there. It took about half an hour of insanely twisty and hilly roads to arrive. It was in the absolute middle of nowhere, and wasn't really a backpacker style of place either. It had numerous spread out individual bungalows and a pool, set next to the shoreline. I had to admit it was picturesque. After arrival I booked into a bungalow, fired Jack a quick message, and promptly fell asleep.

The next day heralded the half moon party, probably going to a [INSERT FRACTION HERE] moon party is the primary reason for most young people visiting this island - so I was eager to see what the fuss was all about! The half moon party is apparently not on "Had Rin" beach like the full moon party, but in a bit of jungle somewhere. Jack had responded to my message and agreed to meet up that afternoon. He told me his room number and after searching for a quarter of an hour I realised that his bungalow was just next to mine! So feeling thoroughly silly I knocked on the door but nobody was home.

I spent the rest of the day having a look around the surrounding area, which transpired to not take very long because I only found a bit of road with one lonely looking restaurant on it.

Later that evening I was enjoying a Chang on my porch, and began to wonder what had happened to Jack. Almost as I thought that I saw him and his friend shambling back into First villas looking a little bit disheveled. I got their attention. They wandered over and after a brief greeting they confessed that they had gone to Had Rin beach and taken a mushroom shake. Drugs! Dear reader, can you believe that? They then proceeded to describe various imaginary things they had seen in immaculate detail. It was actually quite amusing listening to them, so I tried to not laugh as they talked. Eventually Jack said he thought it would be a good idea to have a little nap, but was still up for the half moon party. As that should go on all night, it looked like we can easily accommodate a snooze, so they both went back to theirs, saying that they'd set an alarm for 12.

Well I dozed off, and apparently nobody set an alarm at all, so we all slept soundly through the night.

I woke up in the morning feeling thoroughly silly.

11. Ko Samui

After Ko Tao Rob, Tony and I visited Ko Samui.

We hopped on a ferry over to the island, wherupon Tony haggled so furiously with taxi drivers that nobody wanted to take us to a guesthouse, so we basically started off walking across the island (which it turned out would have taken hours and hours) when a minibus passed by and offered a fare more to Tony's liking.


There were a couple of boozy nights out, I think one one of them I drunkenly tried to haggle with a hooker but seem to remember she got fed up of my antics so just gave me a free kiss.
I also saw a proper Thai kick boxing match which was enjoyable. It was in stark contrast to the one from Phi Phi which was more of a pantomime. This was clearly more real and two people I had never heard of fought in the title bout. One of them was victorious (apologies for the lack of detail, I honestly forgot their names as soon as I heard them!).

Rob and Tony outside the arena

Compared with the other places I had travelled to in Thailand, and possibly because of them I found the island to be tedious, uninteresting and overpriced. It seemed to me to be a dreary amalgamation of Hotels and sports pubs next to a bit of beach. That it was sunny was my only clue that I was in Thailand!

It was good to travel with Rob and Tony for a while, however this was the last stop of their Thailand trip - they were on their way to Perth to find work. So the time came for us to say our goodbyes, I wished them luck and headed off for Ko Phagnan, the last on my island hopping tour.

10. Bans diving resort - 3 of 3. Advanced open water

When I had set off travelling it had been a goal of mine to learn to scuba dive, and I had finally achieved becoming a certified diver! I was celebrating this in "the fish bowl" along with the other few new graduates of bans diving resort. Alcohol flowed freely and at some stage I even drunkenly persuaded a girl to show me her apartment.

Our diving group celebrated our victory. I can be seen here miming the size of a fish I saw

After the visit I decided to make my way home, and staggered back to my apartment (still pretty drunk). When I got back I blearily discovered that I didn't have my key. The apartment was one large room containing 3 beds and accessed by a large french window, where I was stood, locked out. Inside I could see that the light was on, and Tony was sleeping, so I banged on the french windows, hoping to wake him.

"TONY!" I shouted.

Nothing.

I tried again, and again until about five minutes had passed with me hammering and shouting trying to rouse the slumbering lump. Eventually there was movement from an unexpected part of the apartment when the bathroom door swung open and out hopped Rob completely naked. He scurried over, clutching his tackle, unlocked the door, and scuttled back into the bathroom. I thought nothing about this, and passed out in my bed.

The next day I learned that Rob had in fact been with a lady in the bathroom, and had to stop half way through to come and let me in. Not only that but he told me the next day that they had moved things back into our room shortly after! I remembered none of this.

On my day off, very hungover, I met up with my dive buddy Jack. We jumped on his quad bike to go to a place that did mini golf. Or was it crazy golf? What is the difference? Anyway we nursed our heads and spent a few hours playing some size or sanity of golf. On the way back Jack thought it would be a laugh to see how fast the quad bike would go. The answer is very. Luckily quad bikes are quite loud, so most of my terrified screams were drowned out by the engine.

The following day heralded the start of the two day advanced diving course. I was happy to learn that the advanced course was more focused on the practical side of things and doing dives, so no more classroom boredom.

These dives were a blast. This was partly because we went to some interesting places, but also in no small part down to the fact that I was now a bit more competent underwater so felt less like I might drown at any moment. The course was highlighted by....

Wreck dive: This was a dive around a decommissioned battleship that had been scuppered near to Ko Tao fairly recently - solely for the benefit of visitors to dive around. It was fascinating to explore nonetheless.

Orientation dive: Up until this point we had always been accompanied Steve the dive master, however for this dive we were on our own. Each buddy pair made a map of the underwater terrain, then were free to randomly roam out across the reef at our leisure. Rob and I did fine, apart from when we thought we would try crossing from one reef to another, and ended up just swimming off into the open ocean where there we could see nothing but infinite blue ahead and featureless sand below. We started to get a little worried, realising that it seemed like we'd gone astray - so retraced our steps.

Night dive: This had to be my favourite of all the dives I did at Ko Tao. A group of about 4 set off at sunset with our normal gear and 2 torches. By the time we got to the dive site it was pitch black. Going down was creepy and amazing at the same time. When diving I find you  have a certain sense of weightlessness, and as it was night it was pitch black in all directions. As such it was easy for me to imagine that I was drifting in space, pulling myself along an invisible rope. After a minute or two torches started being switched on ahead, so was able to stick with the group, gradually descending until the reef eventually materialised ahead of us. It was interesting to observe the different marine life that emerged at night. It was also fun to occasionally look away from the reef and look into the complete blackness of the ocean, which gave me a very real feeling that I was floating in a void of nothingness. It only took a few second before I would feel a twinge of panic and quickly have to look back to the patches of light ahead, and realise that the world was still there.

So I would thoroughly recommend Ko Tao if you are thinking of travelling to Thailand, it might not feature as much diversity or marine life or coral as a few other places, but that is not to say that there isn't still plenty you can see. It is also relaxing to dive on an island where the diving is so common that the process has been refined to hassle free perfection. Alas my visit here came to an end, and I was to continue my island hopping trip to include Ko Samui.

9. Bans diving resort - 2 of 3

Our motorboat arrived at a giant wooden brick that was apparently the main diving vessel. We clambered aboard, and with a shiver it chugged in to life before heading out to deeper waters. In diving you always have to dive with a buddy, in case you panic or anything - they can give you a slap and tell you to pull yourself together.

That day I buddied up with an English guy called Jack, we checked our equipment over, had a final group talk and all too soon the boat arrived at the first dive site. I donned my fins and with a great deal of trepidation clumsily flapped over to the rear of the boat, and launched myself into the water.

My first dive in the sea! We weren't going deep: only 9 meters, but it felt a lot to me as I caught sight of the the dim ocean floor looming way below. As your body gets under pressure you being to feel a 'sqeeze', where the little pockets of air inside you get pressurised - especially in your ears. You have to equalise this pressure, by blowing on your nose, swallowing or wiggling your jaw about. And so that is how I descended: inching down the buoy rope frantically swallowing, waggling my jaw about and blowing on my nose. I took so long that Steve the instructor, and all the dive master helpers swam over to check that I was ok. We eventually all made it to the bottom, and practiced all of the techniques we had learned in the pool. I didn't really get a chance to look about too much - focused as I was on not messing up.
Tony seemed to be coping fine, despite the fear he had told us about yesterday. However that evening he did confess he'd found it hard, and that he wasn't sure he could finish the course. I attempted to persuade him to stick with it to the end, being that it was only 3 days, and he had already done one of them.

The next day was rather boring and contained no dives. We were just sat in classroom, learning theory.

The day after that was the last of the course. We went on a few more dives, getting familiar with how the whole diving thing worked, and to demonstrate a couple of skills that weren't too simple. The first was that I had to take all off all of my equipment and put it on again. The second was a simulation of being out of air. Or to put it another way: drowning. To do this I had to take off my mask, and Steve the instructor turned off my air. Very suddenly I could not breathe at all. I frantically batted at him to let him know I was suffocating, and he let the air flow again. Thinking about it I'm not sure if that part was actually part of the course at all, and was in fact just Steve getting some twisted kick out of torturing us.


This was probably the hardest part of the course, and to make sure that Tony could do it Steve yet again deployed Daphne the pretty dive master to do the skill demonstration individually with him. He did so admirably, even somehow managing to puff out his chest a little at the same time.
At midday we were brought back to land. That was the end of the practical side of the course. In the afternoon we sat the exam. Although to say exam would be a bit of an exaggeration. There were questions to answer, sure, with multiple choice answers - except that Daphne the dive master was in the room with us, and as soon as we didn't know an answer we asked her and she just told us. Unsurprisingly everyone passed. Nobody was more happy about this than Tony.

Rob and I had already signed up to go on to complete the advanced course as well. Tony felt that this would be a little much so did not decide to join us on that venture. The only issue was that the advanced course was scheduled to start the day after the exam. There were a few people in the same boat (pardon the pun) and everybody agreed that it was a little "full on", to start the day after. With a little persuading we managed to get Steve the instructor to let us all have the day off. He agreed, and so that meant party times ahoy.

8. Bans diving resort - 1 of 3

So my mission to learn to become a diver has come to fruition - I had arrived at ko Tao.

We arrived as dawn was breaking, and despite it being so early that there was barely enough light in the sky to see by, me and my prospective diver companions (Rob and Tony) found several people there sleepily peddling the services of various dive schools as we disembarked. I smiled and nodded non-commitally as one rep waggled a leaflet under my nose.


Tony had heard about a place so we ignored all of them and instead stated to nobody in particular that we'd like a taxi. Dutifully a man materialised in possession of a four by four pickup. We hopped in the back and the driver pulled away.
The rep that had shown me the leaflet was having none of this. As soon as he saw that we were leaving he jumped onto his scooter fired up the engine and took chase. He clutched to the side as we trundled along, handing us leaflets into the back of the pickup - we learned that he represented a dive school called Bans diving resort. We were at first dismissive, but then started to get genuinely concerned that the guy was going to disappear under the wheels of the pickup unless we agreed to at least look at Bans. So we told him that we would take a look. With that he pulled forward to the driver window and shouted some instructions to him. The pickup slowed into a u-turn which almost send the Bans rep flying into a bush, and we sped off in the opposite direction.

Bans turned out be ideal as far as I was concerned. The  small complex sprawled away from a little beach where there was a cafe, bar, and a small staging area for Bans pupils could jump onto boats and head into open water. Further back were a couple of practice pools where you would normally find some newby divers (like I was about to become) bubbling away under the surface, and finally some apartments set against a picturesque forested backdrop. We haggled our way into a palatial little suite for the three of us, full diving course for a really good price.

view from the beach at bans. Couple of dive boats off in the distance there

The next day heralded the beginning of the course. We had all signed up to both open water and advanced courses, which means we'll be qualified to dive to 18 and then 30 metres. During sign in we are instructed to meet at a block of onsite classrooms. So first thing the next morning we all headed to it. We meet our classmates, a group of around 8 people. We met our instructor - an awesome dutch guy in his fifties wearing a permanent grin and preceding most of his sentences with "alright guysh! ... "; and we also met a couple of the dive masters - who would be helping us out: Tom and Daphne.
We had a little overview and then watched an incredibly patronising video voiced by an American (Apparently it is frowned upon to remove all of you equipment for no reason whilst under water? Who knew). After that we were herded to one of the practice pools to learn how to don our various bits and bobs before all clumsily waddling out into the shallows.
We spent the next while learning the tricks of the diving trade, like how to not immediately drown and that kind of thing. Tony was having a little trouble with some of the methods we had to learn. He had told me yesterday that he had a slight fear of the water - and doing his open water diving course was a way to conquer this. So Steve (the instructor) had a solution for this, which was to pair him off with Daphne. Now Daphne was pretty, young, curvy and had a soft Italian accent. Tony: who seemed to have a soft spot for her amd didn't dare to be seen to lose face - so Steve the instructor's plan worked perfectly. Tony was up to speed in no time.

There was another day of "confined water" skills (in other words swimming around in circles in a pool), where everyone was itching to go out in the ocean; and before we knew it another beautiful day dawned in Thailand. we headed down to the jetty to board a massive motorboat. I was shitting my pants a little bit at this point, as I picked out the right size wetsuit and assorted equipment. I dumped it into a big bag and clambered onto the motor boat. Where is my tank of air? I suddenly thought in a panic.

"Alright guysh!" Announced Steve the instructor "We're going to head out to a few dives sitesh now, We are meeting up with a bigger boat we'll be diving from which has our air tanks and you'll do your buddy checksh there."*

"Whew" I think I said out loud.

With that the engines roared into life and we sped off towards our first ever ocean scuba dive!

*You may have read this in the voice of Sean Connery, and you would be right to because he didn't sound dissimilar

7. The Night Bucket

Why travel to Ko Tao, I hear you ask? Well it's a diving factory set up to transform soft foreigners like me into hardened underwater explorers with ruthless efficiency. That's what I'm after because I want to learn. It's also a picturesque bump in the gulf of Thailand so quite nice to look at above and below water.

Some things that happen when you are a massive cheapskate and spend hours shopping around to save about a fiver on an overnight ferry ticket:

 The trip is likely to be pretty uncomfortable, you probably wont sleep, It may take five times as long as it should... I forgot all of that as I painstakingly tried to hunt down the best possible deal on a ticket. Eventually I did, from a tourist office, which also inexplicably doubled as a tattoo parlour. In hindsight I probably should have taken that as a warning. I bought the ticket from a swarthy looking Thai man, who gave me a handful of scraps of paper in which, I was informed, I would find the tickets I needed. I then packed my things and was on my way.

I spent the day travelling first from Phi Phi to the mainland on one of two ferries fleeing an epic looking storm; and then Eastwards to Surat Thani where I would pick up a night ferry to Ko Tao. There were about 10 coaches* involved in getting me there. For some reason when we changed to the final coach me and a couple of other English guys were afforded the privilege of being seated in the VIP section - which was on the "ground floor" of the bus with padded leather seats and a private toilet. All of the luggage also appeared to be in there with us. So besides having to constantly readjust bags to avoid being buried, it was pleasant enough. I learned that the other guys: Rob and Tony were headed to the same island to do some diving as well. They too hadn't bothered to book anything other than the ferry trip yet.

As night fell we arrived at what looked like a dock in Surat Thani. The three of us were unduly hoofed out, apparently being the only people getting this ferry. Although where said ferry was did not seem clear - because as the bus drove off we could only see a few beaten up old cargo ships. I scrutinised the  crumpled scrap of paper with a number stamped on it that was apparently my ticket. It took a moment to realise that the number did correspond to one of the boats. Toward the end of the line of rickety old buckets in front of us there was one bizarre looking sort of cargo ship that looked as if someone found noahs ark, shrunk it down, painted it blue and then attacked it with a hammer for a few days.

We boarded via a rickety plank and made our way to the passenger area. The part we were to sleep in seemed as if it had been bolted on to the top of the boat as an afterthought. It was one large room, with a roof so low that we had to stoop down to get in. It was about 70 feet long, and about 13 wide with 35 tiny mattresses along each side, about an inch thick and made of some shiny plastic material. Essentially this area was ideal for a small Thai person who wasn't too bothered about getting any sleep. There were a few passengers already on a few of the mattresses. We took 3 spaces next to each other, and promised to avoid any accidental spooning.

After a short while the place had filled up completely. Despite the mattresses being tiny it didn't stop a whole family happily cramming themselves onto one. I still hadn't seen a single member of crew - but assume they existed because eventually the old bucket chugged into life and we were away. We passed the time playing cards and drinking a couple of Changs we has managed to pick up from a 7/11 before boarding. Everyone eventually dozed off so I went to explore a little. At the rear of the boat some stairs lead down to a single covered low deck at the back of the boat. There was a toilet backing onto the ships galley (a couple of tin pots and a tiny gas stove). I could see through to the cargo section and get my first glimpse of the crew, a shadowy figure who gave me a conspiratorial nod before withdrawing out of sight. I sat on the edge of the boat to finish my beer - watching the dark waters slide by, before heading up to fail to sleep for 8 hours.

* Well it was only a couple, but felt like more somehow

6. Ko Phi Phi

Rabies, Liver poisoning and sunburn are possibly some of the ailments I got on Ko Phi Phi.

Being still a bit monsoon-y there were some evil heavy black clouds that chased the ferry over to the island. The island quickly grew from a blip on the horizon to a beautiful looming paradise. We arrived, and hurriedly scampered off the boat to take shelter before the rain hit. To my delight I discovered a guy holding a sign with the name of the accommodation I had pre-booked on it - The tropical garden bungalows. They had put on a taxi! However a thing I immediately discovered about Ko Phi Phi is that there isn't really any motorised transport. As such my taxi was in fact a wheelbarrow.


My backpack was unceremoniously dumped into the taxibarrow - and we walked to the "tropical garden bungalows". It lived up to its name, bustling as it was with vegetation and animal life. The animal life consisted of either cats, or cages containing assorted hooting and sqwaking birds of prey. Once I got to my bungalow found that there was one such cage a few feet from my door with a rather animated hawk screeching and flapping away incessantly in it. This made me a little concerned about getting any sleep.

I headed out to explore the little town of the island. It was thronged with holiday makers. A typical tourist seemed to be about 25, European, and too drunk to walk. That night I got to know a few such people and went round some of the multitude of shops, tattoo places, restaurants and bars that the town boasts. I also discovered a talent for "beer pong" I didn't realise I possessed.

winning at beer pong

The night concluded, I had become suitably inebriated and so stumbled my way back to the hut. I bid goodnight to the my pet hawk (still making a racket),and discovered a little cat on my front door step. How cute! I thought as it hissed and spat at me. I leaned down to tickle its belly, and it rewarded me with a massive scratch on my hand.

wanted: this cat

The next day I was horrified by my wound. Was that just a grumpy cat... or did it have a more sinister ailment? Could it have even been [dun dun DUUN] rabies? Well I was hungover and paranoid, so decided it was definitely rabies. With that I headed straight to a doctor to get a booster shot. I found one, and he proceeded to stick me with more needles than an acupuncturist - just to be sure I was ok.

With my wallet considerably lighter, and my arm considerably sorer, I decided to go and shop around for some new digs that were a bit cheaper and preferably did not feature birds of prey with verbal diarrhea. I managed to quickly find some nearby, and moved in.
I had a few party loving neighbors. On one side were some heavily accented Essex girls called Chelsea and Chantelle. They appeared to be indefinitely stationed on Phi Phi working in one of the bars. On the other side were Lee and Lisa - a couple of holidaying work-mates from London.

That evening me and the Londoners visited a number of bars and beachfront places. The first was one called the "reggae reggae bar". As soon as we got to there my friends lined up 10 buckets of booze, intent on drinking Phi Phi out of alcohol. The bar boasted daily Muai Thai boxing matches. I hadn't seen one before, so was keen to see what it was like. I think that it was the second time that one of the boxers did a double backward somersault after being punched that I got an inkling the matches might have been a tiny bit jazzed up with some amusing pantomime.
I yet again drifted quickly into drunkenness and the rest of the night is a fractured blur of getting bitten by mosquitos; watching fire juggling and failing to dance.

The following day in order to nurse my hangover I decided to take in some of the scenery of the beautiful Ko Phi Phi. The morning was a boat tour on which I nursed my head and struggled to keep my breakfast down. It had a few stops, on one I watched some fat monkeys on a beach getting fed pineapple by tourists. Another stop was at Phi Phi Lai - the little island where they filmed "the beach". I didn't spot Leo.
In the afternoon I decided to head to a view point up one of the hills, which proved to be a foolhardy mistake given my hangover. I very nearly died from a mixture of hyperventilation and dehydration climbing up (what felt like) the hundred billion stairs to the top. The view was spectacular though, and I could fully see the island's figure of 8 shape, with the little central town flanked by two forested hills.

 

Even though Phi Phi as big as a volkwagon and stuffed with visitors there is a lot of fun to be had on the beautiful island and it was too soon before I had to go. Despite being sad about leaving I was also excited, because I was off to join the diving factory on Ko Tao!

5. My “captivity” on Ko Lanta

I’ll provide some subtle dramatisation to make the few days where I travelled on this island a little more interesting, because in reality had a brilliant time mostly sat on a beach.
Well I cannot begin to describe how traumatic my time on Ko Lanta was. I was being held against my will by an unknown antagonist. That much was clear. They had employed brain washing techniques to convince me that the island was some kind of paradise, but I was wise to their tactics.


Initially when I was shown to my cell I believed it to be a quaint beach hut a stones throw from the ocean. It was in the south east of Ko Lanta in a place called Kan Tieng bay. There was an eerie silence that pervaded the place. The handful of guests gathered in morose pockets on the silent beach. At night we were forced to watch a band and force fed bitter pints of Chang. I’m not sure exactly when it was but I soon realised the horrific truth that I was far from paradise, but in great danger.
This suspicion was confirmed on the second day. I was out attempting to contact my family when a hole was torn in the roof of my hut and a swarm of deadly insects was thrown on the the bed, forcing me to barter my way into a better cell*.

The ko lanta bar employed various underhand methods to break us down
I got to know 2 of my fellow captives fairly well: a couple of Danish girls attempting to flee the islands by going from one to the other, trying to find a way home. They made another bid for freedom when we were taken on a boat from island to island in (what I can only assume was) an attempt to break our spirits. Before we got to Ko Muuk where they were going to attempt their escape we were made to get into the salty water as some kind of psychological experiment. Snorkel equipment was given to us, and we were forced to look down into the salty depths where we could see shoals of bloodthirsty fish, that would swarm around us attempting to feast and we could only recoil in horror, or feed them bread in order to survive.
We got to Ko Muuk and the danish girls finally fled. I never heard from them again but I would like to believe they did eventually find a way home.
After this, as punishment for their escape, the rest of us were taken to the emerald cave. It was a featureless rock jutting out of the azure sea. One by one we were pushed into the water and ordered towards it. Once there we were herded into a partially submerged, pitch black tunnel. The waves inside swelled so much that we almost dashed our heads on the jagged roof. Each wave was accompanied by a current so powerful that it took all our strength to desperately swim in place and try not to kick each-other in the tight confines. It became so strong that one of the girls was forced to grab on to me to avoid being sucked out by the current to be lost forever*. There was a cacophony of wailing and weeping from the other prisoners.
To the disbelief of our guide we made it; and at the end of the tunnel found a cave where the roof opened out into the sky. There was a tiny beach and even a small forest in the cave where we took shelter, before being taken back.
After several days of resisting I finally managed to bargain for my release from a man who was able to obtain ferry tickets to Ko Phi Phi, I gladly accepted his offer and under cover of broad daylight jumped in a pickup to be driven to freedom.

* All of this bit actually isn’t dramamtised… it was pretty hairy stuff.

4. To Pai! Arr

A minibus arrived to pick me up from "Your Guesthouse" where I was staying*. I just about found a nook to sit in amongst all the people and bags, and we set off.

The scenery changed from town, to fields, then hills as we hit the northern highlands. The views were spectacular as we ascended and it was pleasantly cool. Bliss compared to the smokey, mugginess of Bangkok! The roads did become absurdly twisty, and the driver was not shy on the accelerator, so I chatted amiably with the other amiable passengers whilst attempting to avoid spewing everywhere.

After an hour or two in the hills we were stopped at a roadblock. Some military looking types opened up the door an demanded our passports. Concerned, I obliged. The rest followed suit until one young local lady who was by herself couldn't. She said in English she'd left her documents at home, so with that the men took her out of the bus.
They spoke to her for around thirty minutes, with us straining vainly to hear what was going on. Eventually they slapped handcuffs on her and marched her off!
We were waved on. We were very curious and asked the driver what that was all about. Apparently there was a problem in the north with illegal immigrants from Burma coming to find work.

After arriving in small town of Pai, the first thing I learned was that most of the people here are lawfully required to be expats, have dreadlocks and wear beards. 
The previous night I had once again consulted my trusty guidebook to somewhere to stay. I had picked a place called Charlies, where they had some stupidly cheap rooms. So after I got off the bus I asked a friendly hippy the way, and found it without too much trouble (for a change).
I asked the stern lady on the front desk if I could see the room. This appeared to be the worlds biggest chore, but she obliged. The room was about as big as a matchbox and had all the charm of a prison cell, with a little less charm. So I asked her if there were any other rooms to see and was told, flatly, no. So I thanked her and went off to find somewhere else.
I quickly found a place a million times better just around the corner called "Blue", which lived up to it's name by being very blue.

The next day I decided to take a jaunt to some nearby hot springs. The town had people stood around in yellow jerseys that you could hire to take you places. So to get to the springs I approached one of these people and negotiated a fare. As soon as we'd agreed on a price the surly driver handed me a helmet and we got on the bike. We then belted off at top speed. The driver was pretty much flat out the whole way there. I hung literally hung on for dear life.

The terrifying journey was worth it. The hot springs were stunning and serene. I had a paddle and bought an egg to cook in the scalding water at the top, since that seemed to be a common thing to do.

Cooking an egg. Seemed like a long way to go for breakfast

That night I ended up bumping into people from the bus so went drinking around the town and made friends with a thoroughly awesome policeman from Bangkok who was there on holiday.

I spent a couple days in Pai. I found the sleepy town to be pleasant, beautiful and calming during the day and lively at night. All too soon it came time for me to leave and make the marathon trek from the far north to the distant tropical islands of the south. I was very excited to finally get to the beach!

* It was a name. I don't mean it was your guesthouse, reader. Don't be silly.

3. Chiang Mai

So I would travelling north on the sleeper train. I would be staying for 3 or 4 nights in Chiang Mai before making my way to a town called Pai. I assumed Pai was either 3.141 miles from Chiang Mai or a tasty treat.

The train was very busy, and I was interested to learn that most of the bunks came equipped with a small family. After getting on I had to shoo some children out of the bunk I booked, before clambering up to get settled in for the journey.


There was quite a hubbub going on and I worried a little about the how quiet it would be later on - but I needn't have, because there is was a tiny green curtain that I could pull across and should definitely block out the noise.
As the train jolted and screeched away I chatted briefly to an Irish couple near me, before getting an early night. I drew the curtain but to my horror realised that I could still clearly hear all of the other passengers.The curtain hadn't protected me at all! As a result, there followed a very sleep free night.

The next day the train took an eternity to get to Chiang Mai. It was nearly 9 and the sun was setting by the time the train pulled in.
I had heard that the city boasts a unique public transport vehicle called a "Sanglanthew". It's a red sort of pickup with a roof. At the train station I found one and climbed in. After waiting a bit for a few other passengers we set off and headed into the "old town" - which is an ancient district that lies at the center of the town surrounded by a high wall.
I got dropped off and then had a quick scout for the guesthouse I wanted to stay at. Alas I found that just like when I had arrived in Bangkok there was no sign of my lodgings. I wandered down a likely looking soi, passing a couple of locals sat outside their house, scrutinising me. I pretended to look sure I knew where I was going. At the far end there was nothing, so I had to swallow my pride, wander back and ask the locals where the place was. They laughed and told me.

There are many activities you might choose to do in this beautiful city, and here are 3 main ones that I did:

1 - Jungle trek

This was the thing I had wanted to do most in the city, because I had read that jungle treks in the north were brilliant.

On the morning of the trek the pickup was only half an hour late when it squeezed its way down the alley. We got underway and the group started getting to know each other. It wasn't long before we had arrived at the base of the beautiful slopes of Doi Inthanon. The hike took a few hours, there was a stop to swim in a pool fed by a waterfall, after which the trail got steeper and more arduous until we were all puffing and sweating. Eventually it was late afternoon when we arrived at the spot we'd be staying, near a hill tribe village.
We dropped our packs in our dorm hut. There were only about 6 mats for the 12 of us. So I was forced to share my mat with a pretty French girl.
I was outraged.

For dinner we had some delicious green curry, and whilst we ate that the tour guide gave us an introduction to the tribe and it's history. Also being thirsty from the hike we started to drink the cans of chang they had carted up the hill for the tourists. There was an honour system where everyone's names were marked on a piece of cardboard, and when you took a can, you put a mark against your name. Pretty quickly two Dutch guys starting secretly marking all of theirs against their friends name as a joke. Before long they also started to fetch everyone's drinks doing this. By the end of the night we had drunk everything! "on paper" most of us had only drunk a couple of Changs and this poor Dutch guy had drunk nearly 50. He was more than a little puzzled about this the next day, but we did pay him back.

The night was full of revelry. There was a  little bonfire; and one of the villagers serenaded us with some local songs. He also showed us how they can roll cigarettes with locally grown tobacco and banana leaves.
After rolling one he offered it around to try. I had a puff and nearly choked, but I can't deny it was quite nice tasting.

We woke to embark on another day of trekking down the mountain all sporting a new hangover. After a brief visit to a natural water-slide we arrived at a river where we were to do some bamboo rafting. It would have been quite relaxed and serene had the captain not been a 6 year old with a death wish. It seemed to me like he was determined to hit every obstacle in the river. Me and the other two dutch passengers had to have our fingers prized from the bamboo at the end.

We all got along very well and it was truly memorable. That night we agreed to meet up for a meal together at a sort of rock and roll themed place I suggested. I was the first to arrive so stuffed my face with a tasty Pad Thai - then felt a bit silly as the others got there on time all dressed up and had their meal together... Anyway we partied late into the night in the city drinking many buckets full of colorful booze.

2 - Visit to the Golden Triangle

I booked myself onto a busy sounding all day tour of the golden triangle and Chiang Rai. Our group consisted of a large family from Singapore and a girl called Karina from Quebec. I ended up talking only to Karina the whole day - mainly because none of the others spoke any English at all. I found out that she was actually on her way to Pai, same as me, so we exchanged deets and agreed to try and meet up when we both got there. Here is the itinerary in brief:

The first stop was a "hot spring". This turned out to be a hole in some concrete through which a feeble 3 meter high squirt of water appeared from time to time. It was surrounded by a billion shops and was the most ridiculous tourist trap I had ever seen.
We then visited "the white temple". It was pure white with walls inlaid with mirror fragments that caused it to glisten in the sun. It was an incredible art installation more than an actual temple, I would highly recommend checking it out.
The golden triangle was the next stop. This is the point at which Thailand, Laos and Myanmar meet, at the Mekong. Apparently it is so names because it used to be where drug dealers would meet to trade drugs for gold.
Whilst there we took a short ferry across the brown Mekong to briefly visit a Laos market. The market was obviously only there for the benefit of the tourists, but it was entertaining. From what I could gather from this market, the primary export of Laos is pickled reptiles in jars and handbags. We only stayed 30 minutes as we had special short stay passes. So I officially visited Laos, even though it took less time than I'd need to have a bath.
After that we went to the border between Myanmar and Thailand. This turned out to be a bit of road with a billion shops on; with a bit of fence and some guards at the end.
The final stop was at a ring neck tribe. I was a little skeptical on arrival at how authentic this tribe was. Not only was it a stones throw from a big town, but also it seemed to just be a group of  little stalls and no houses.  I hadn't paid the extra for this part of the tour, and I didn't bother now - so I just hung out with the other cheapskates by the minibus.

3 - Take a visit to wat something-or-other

I am ashamed to admit that by the fifth or sixth temple in Bangkok I had started to blank out the names of all the different wats. As a result one day I headed out to the nearby hills to visit the famous wat [mumbles]. To get there I decided it would be nice to splash out on a taxi. Or rather: An forceful  taxi driver forced his impromptu tour guide services on me, and I was too chicken to say no.

We drove up, and once there I hopped out and huff puffed my way up the billion steps to enjoy the temple and it's glorious views over Chiang Mai. I then puffed my way back down.
When I got back, I searched for my driver but found no sign of him amongst the dozens of taxis and Sanglanthews anywhere.
I bought myself a drink and loitered around for a bit. I noticed that a Sangnathew driver nearby was calling some thing in Thai. I imagined he was shouting:
"all aboard! Last call for Chiang Mai!"
I realised then that I hadn't actually paid my taxi driver anything yet. And he hadn't even bothered to show up to take me home, the bastard! I felt guilty about it - but decided to hop on to the Sanglanthew.
We pulled away, and I started to go over all the things I would buy with my taxi savings in my head. However at the last moment the taxi driver suddenly stuck his head in, and pressed the passenger stop button so the Sanglanthew jerked to a halt. With that he all but hoisted me out of the vehicle by the scruff of my neck to be taken home. 

Next stop: Pai

2. Bangkok - Parte the Laste

Today's "What not to do in Bangkok" travel tip: don't use tuk tuks*

I decide I should go see some Bangkok temples that are apparently incredible. Unfortunately as I turned up in the monsoon season I don't go 2 minutes before it starts to rain.


I'm still in a backstreet, where there are no likely looking shops to hide in, however I do see some kind of tiny bar, so I head in there to wait.

I order a Chang, (based on a recommendation) from the barman. He serves it to me, along with lots of "wais" (little bows). I sit down and he puts Britney Spears on in the background at almost full volume. It's a little distracting but I go with it.
After a few minutes tapping my foot to "oops, I did it again" I decide to use the internet on my phone so ask the barman for the wifi password. He puts down his eyeliner and writes it on a scrap of paper and hands it to me. I type the password: "BangkokSpiderIsGay" into my phone. As I write that, something dawns on me:
This Chang is delicious!

The rain passes and with the help of my guidebook find the big temple area without too much trouble. Outside the "royal palace" a guy approaches me - offering to help me find my way around. He gives me a map and tells me some good temples to visit, and how to deal with the tuk tuks. He teaches me a phrase "pang pai!" - apparently that means "too expensive". He flags down a tuk tuk, and tells the driver the things I want to see, and the driver gives a price.
"Pang Pai?" I suggest.
The driver gives me a conspiratorial chuckle, and offers a lower price which I accept. He then speaks to the map guy in Thai. I don't understand them, but imagine they were saying:
"Oh, I didn't realise I was dealing with a local, I better give them the normal rates!"
"Yes you treat him well, my friend"
Well I don't think it was that, in hindsight. Basically what I didn't realise at the time is that tuk tuks get free fuel tokens if they take people to certain shops, which they'll tend to do if you are not paying them enough; so that day I certainly did see a couple of amazing temples... and also took a huge round trip of the city during which I visited a jewelery store; a suit shop; and a travel agency. I didn't buy anything in them despite the sincerest efforts of their sales people. It it started to get late and so I ask the driver to take me home, a little footsore and oddly amused.

Tuktuks: My main mode of Bangkok travel

The next day I decide to visit "Kao San road" which is apparently where lots of backpackers head to and has lots going on. I have a bit more familiarity with the area now, although am aware where I am is not too near to Kao San, so I head out on foot in search of it.
Long story short: I don't find it that day. I get accosted by a friendly Thai man who is loitering by himself on a bridge. He wants me to party with his family tonight! It's his son's birthday! His son is a movie star! A famous movie star? I ask, What is his name? He tells me and of course I don't recognize it. He insists on showing me some nearby shops that his friends run. I visit one to be polite, but make my excuses and leave.
I continue towards my goal. Shortly after that another guy sidles up to me and asks if he can practice English on me. An astonishing coincidence is that his daughter is going to study in England! Can he give me her email address? I wasn't sure what to make of that. I do ask him for directions, though, but end up getting more lost. I decide to quit whilst I am behind. I buy a few bottles of beer and head back to the guest house and regroup.

Once back I sit out of the front of the guesthouse, swigging beer and scrutinising my Bangkok map. A group of German guys join me. We get talking and it turns out they know the way to Kao San road!
Huzzah!
So eventually I do find it. Its very vibrant and lots of fun, but my memory of what actually happened is hazy. I seem to recall some bars; tasty local food for dinner; copious amounts of beer; and a narrow encounter with a ladyboy

The next day is my last full day in the city so need to get a train ticket to my next stop: Chaing Mai. Since I have a whole day I decide to also see a few more sights in the process. Ignoring my hangover I haggle my way into a tuk tuk and inevitably get taken somewhere I don't want. He drops me at a suit store (despite my most sincere objections). Fine, i think, I suppose it's the last one! So I head in to earn my driver some petrol.
By now I'm an expert at pretending to want a suit, so I march in and am approached by a swarthy looking guy with a pony tail. I launch into my anti-spiel:
Show me your patterns, my good fellow! Hmm, what's this one called?
Can you make these in Satin and silk?
What cuts would you recommend for me?
The guy is all but rubbing his hands together with dollar signs in his eyes. "Of course!" he croons. He ushers me to a comfy seat and gets me a beer, some snacks, and a catalog to browse. Ahh this is the life I think, sipping beer and idly flicking through the catalog looking at people in suits.
I finish the drink and make some excuses about having the wrong bank cards and need to fetch the correct ones. Unfortunately he he sees straight through my flimsy ruse, and turns hostile. So just have to beat a hasty retreat. He practically chases me out as I jump in the tuk tuk.
"I'm with the Bangkok mafia! we're going to find you!" he calls after me "You'll regret this!"
I can only laugh nervously, with some genuine concern that I have enraged the Bangkok mob.

The tuk tuk driver takes me to some of the fantastic giant golden Buddha statues in lesser visited parts of the city. Whilst looking at one a monk strikes up a conversation with me and tells me a bit about the temple we're in. When he learns I need to get a ticket to Chiang Mai he tells me that I should only go to official government travel agents, otherwise I might get ripped off. He explains how I recognise them: They are marked AGWP**. Under no circumstances use the ACWP**, and definitely not AGWB** ones. I attempt to memorise that; thank him, and head out.
I obviously get it wrong, and end up getting mildly ripped off for the ticket.  But I don't mind: job done, I have it. Next stop: Chiang Mai.

* If you are a massive cheapskate
** These aren't accurate letters by the way... I never did find what agencies you're meant to use.

1. Arrival in Bangkok: Parte the first

These are writings from a journal I kept whilst travelling in southeast Asia that I have only just got around to “writing up”. It is mostly unabridged, although not entirely because despite it being nearly 2 years ago I realise there are some things I remember now that had not written down, and some things I had written down that were basically tedious drivel that is of interest to nobody! Although saying that I can't promise there wont be some boring bits, but then I don't know what you're into, dearest reader. Hopefully it's reading about travelling.
The arrival at Heathrow was a mixed bag of emotions for me. Probably partially caused by the 5am start combined with the late drunken night staying at a friend's mansion in the middle of London. They had kindly offered me a lift to the airport for my flight - so I was very appreciative of that. It was a long serving friend, although I had never seen their house. It was a surreal evening where I rubbed shoulders with some entertainingly odd upper middle class types and got lost every time I tried to find the toilet. Before leaving I obviously checked and triple checked my backpack, which at this point I felt a little bit silly having to lug around, having not gotten accustomed to it yet. I also triple checked my plane ticket; Checked my Thailand cash was safe and generally panicked. I was finally ready, my plans had all come to fruition. However this turned out to be about 15 minutes too early, and so I had an agonising 15 minutes wait as my friend prepared himself, disappeared, reappeared, had a cigarette, used the toilet. All the while I tapped my feet, eyes on the time. I needn't have worried, we were underway roughly on time, and so we made our way through the predawn traffic. I must admit at this point I was shitting my pants a bit. Once there I hopped out of the car without too much ceremony or shedding of tears, and wandered into the airports hive of activity with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. So I had planned to travel to south east asia for a few months for the first time. It would be the first extended traveling I will have done solo, and the first time I have been outside Europe (unless you count Moscow). I had saved something like 5/6k so had spent much of the year of saving attempting to plan an itinerary for my budget. I went over all this again a few times on the plane. The flights over took 15 odd hours. It was highlighted by nothing. A minor frisking at Heathrow. I then got another minor frisking in Mumbai by some heavily armed Indians. After that I enjoyed delicious curry from Mumbai to Bangkok; and was amused as many of the new passengers took endless photos of each-other sat on the plane. It lead me to assume that the plane journey must be the highlight of their trip! Eventually I touch down in Bangkok, 7am local time. The plane had thus far protected me from the heat; but I was punched in the face by it as I stepped into the local air. At this point I was 100% in the hands of my guidebook having never been to this part of the world before. It suggested trying to get a public bus into town at the airport, but much wandering, asking people and looking at signs only yielded a healthy amount of sweat. “screw this” I eventually thought, and wandered over to where the taxis were. I had been careful to pick out where to stay the first night, so knew where to ask for and was very hopeful that they understood English. “Hey! Can you take me to Kao San road?” I ask one of the men cordially, with a grin. “Kao San?” The driver replies “bleugh!” I laugh. He doesn't. Is 'bleaugh' a word in Thailand? I'm not sure it is... I'm suddenly doubtful about my choice. I don't really have any alternative at this point however, so we agree on some sort of price. Well, I say we agreed, but I actually didn't even bother to haggle, which my guidebook insisted I always do. I am still quite nervous, and didn't want to annoy my new friend! This is my first exposure to “non-europe” roads, and is a nice intro to the place; seeing the swarms of scooter mounted Thais periodically envelop the taxi, as we drive. The driver is a little "swervy", but relatively sedate from what I understand of some other cities. The taxi is modern, and his air-con is a godsend. We leave the artery roads and weave our way deeper into the city, and eventually arrive in the right area. For some reason I direct the taxi driver to drop me off at the wrong "soi" (street). I don't immediately notice this though, so get out, head down it and and become immediately lost. I am a little baffled as to how to navigate anywhere here for a few reasons. Firstly the sois (on which the 'Bella Bella River View' guesthouse I am looking for is located) are often little more than alleyways that adjoin the larger roads; Secondly the signs are tiny and sometimes in odd places; Thirdly the pavements are hidden behind stalls of tasty smelling food, garbage, scooters and whatever else. The heat and humidity of the place is overwhelming and despite having chose light cottony clothes I still feel like I’m going to sweat to death before even finding my guesthouse. I drink all of my water, swap my hiking shoes for flip flops and consult my guidebook. After much wandering, doubling back, and generally looking like a lost tourist I finally find myself at the end of a tiny, winding soi at the guesthouse. I heavily fumble checking in thanks to jet lag and culture shock (definitely not general nincompoopery), and go to my room. 

So there is a river view! it's not just clever marketing...

The room is clean & spacious. I drop my bag and take a few minutes to let the fact that I have made it sink in. I then set off on my first foray into the city.