10 Top Tips for Certain Employment at NASA

I recently was given the opportunity to apply to be an astronaut at NASA. That is – on a whim I found where to submit an application to be an astronaut and sent them my cv (or resume).

As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.

10 top tips:

    Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’

    You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.

    Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.

    Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea

    You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.

    Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis

    Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!

    Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression

    You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.

    It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)

I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!

See you in space.