More thoughts on certain employment with NASA

So I have heard nothing back from NASA following my post  on employment tips for becoming employed by NASA. So I did a little extra research and it seems that far from being simply a case of having an awesome CV / resume you need to be all brainy and that.

I have done some limited research into the matter and except for these, didn’t find any stats on who works at NASA, but I do know that they have a diversity policy (http://www.nasa.gov/centers/glenn/pdf/148462main_NASA_Diversity_Policy111.pdf); and considering that they have only sent up 1 or 2 british people consider this to be another string to my bow!*


    Dear NASA,

    I recently sent you my details and
    have heard nothing back from you, so am just sending a chaser to get your
    thoughts. Having done a little research I find that you consider diversity in
    your workforce of value - and having extensive knowledge of TEH INTERNET,
    and loads of other stuff feel that my skills will be of great value to you.
    Honestly I don't mind if you have a problem or whatever, I can always try
    the European Space Agency or something... But I'm pretty sure they are all
    a bunch of failures compared to you guys haha lol ;)

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Yours sincerely

    Rich

* Since when is adding a string to your bow a valid metaphor? Is the bow a violin or an archer’s bow? In either case I don’t see people who use these things adding hundreds of extra strings to try and out-do the competition! madness.

I am guilty of insect genocide on a massive scale – reincarnation better be false

Perhaps it’s symptomatic of living in a city, divorced from the tranquil nature infested quagmire that is the countryside, but I have become irrationally enraged by infestations of some of god’s tinier and more annoying creations.

At work there has been an unending supply of little midges in the office for ages. They mostly enjoy spending their day madly wobbling about in the air directly in front of my face as I try to work, and as soon as I have managed to waft it away (by crazily flailing my arms about) another one will madly wobble over.  Two of my friend houses have become the new residences of some delightful blood sucking parasites called bed bugs. These little guys are nts, which I found out when I stayed in one of the flats and woke to find bites all over me. I felt violated, raped even. blood raped. Now even my home isn’t safe as we have been befriended by an infestation of fruit flies. They mostly enjoy sneaking onto plates obscured by other dirty dishes, or into empty beer tins, and then scaring the crap out of me when I finally get round to cleaning up when I’m hungover.

I was today reminiscing fondly of my days at school, where a project in biology was to study some fruit flies by examining the colouration on certain ones after they had been having sex parties all over a mouldy apple. Can’t remember what for – something to do with DNA I’m sure. When the time came to examine them we had to put a little “fruit fly sleepy go snooze” on them so the little fellows dropped of into to dreamytowne and then we could find out what colour they were whilst they had little dreams about mouldy fruit. Now what thanks do I get for my naive benevolence they come round my house and have sex parties all over my empty beer cans and dirty plates.

Maybe I should lighten up and welcome my fellow creatures with open arms, instead of denying our ultimately common ancestry. But then I have long since abandoned the idea that I am some sort of cosmopolitan liberal hippy type like back in student days… So really the school system should be there to teach me fundimental skills I will use in later life, like how to mass murder insects instead of how to get them to sleep

p.s. Sorry that there is no pest control advice here if that is how you found this.

I sometimes watch some noisy shows on full volume at 4am when drunk… If it bothers you – people that live near me please tell me like below and not with a note under the door like you did yesterday.

I noticed this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/7561166.stm

How would you brooch a subject to someone that they are enjoying sex… a little too much?

Here. Let me imagine a scene so you don’t have to bother:

    Me: knock knock…

    Randy McShagalot: A hello there neighbour! here for another cup of sugar?** =)

    Me: Ah no… I couldn’t help notice last night that you were loudly screwing for an hour or so =|

    Randy McShagalot: LOL! you heard that? oh well. we’re all human right? I mean, you don’t have a go at loud dustbin men do you? =D

    Me: Well I might if I wasn’t scared of… It doesn’t matter =V

    Randy McShagalot: … ***

    Me: Frankly It has to stop woman! I was just trying to watch an episode of good old wildlife-on-one last night… and found it inappropriately arousing, now I have sexual feelings toward rhino’s. Down with this sort of thing o_o

You see? Completely embarrassing. I don’t think there is any way you can tell a random stranger *v to not do things that is a fundimental function of all life.

It’s like having a go at an old biddy for crapping too noisily.

* You better be reading this or I am so leaving a note under your door later.

** This week is the first after last weeks weg post about how we should all use ‘iconemotes’ to show, via the medium of text characters or ‘icons’ what we are doing with our faces at the time… because as I am behind a large barrier of wires and routers *v so it would be impossible to tell.

*** no iconemote here. she’s probably doing the same one as before

*v except to you – people that know me. high five!

The dark knight, Bioshock, Iconemotes and… explosions

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I would like to point out a comment on metacritic to the newest Batman movie:
colin C gave it a 0:
Under normal circumstances this movie might get a two or three, but given all the bloated praise it’s gotten elsewhere I think the zero is warranted. It’s way too long, way too self-serious, and often makes little sense. My girlfriend and I were close to walking out because by the end we were exhausted by all the explosions, heavy-handed dialogue and thudding, stupid music. Batman Begins was fun, but this is just a loud, pretentious bore.
…
“All the explosions” – he says like its a bad thing.
I am currently doing an aghast face. I had to say that because you can’t see my face, I also wrote this in the past and may be wearing a different expression now. maybe I should have simply drawn my face using letters to form some sort of ‘emotional icon’ or ‘iconemote’
It may have gone something like this
Do8
you live and learn. I shall iconemote more often now to cut down on babbling and suggest you all do the same in your own web blogs or ‘wegs’
OGC
(that is a small man, standing raising his fist in readiness to iconemote more in his weg)
Back to the point: I have been recently enjoying Bioshock which is great! But people had similarly attacked it, based solely on the fact that it is brilliant and reviewers without fail said so too.
There appears to be some hidden joy in taking a negative standpoint simply because it will be clear evidence that you have a ‘mind of your own’ and such. Well for some reason I take personal offense to this and it makes me do a frowny face. much like this:
):>(
Next week: Will the punarama weg ever actually have a pun in it? This Wegger thinks no
epilogue:
I just remembered that iconemote came up in a conversation between me and a friend – just wanted to mention that it in case it wasn’t my idea – but his, and I have simply remembered. don’t want to get sued or anything

Condensed History The Hundered Years War

I was reading about the hundred years war today because I relised how little I know about it and how historian types are always banging on about it. So to save you the bother I condensed it down for you here:
1337:

Edward III (England) Hai fellow French doods. you noes how ur royal line is ded? I am totly teh king of England & France now too!  kthx
Philip uhms… nowai: I is king. war ahoy!
Edward III lol look at the year
Philip lol

France Get England!!!
england Noooooooo. Get France!
France Nooooooo.

1360:

England truce?
France k

1369:

Charles V (France) Edward
Edward III ?
Charles V how come you didn’t observe that truce you negociated?
Edward III wut?
Charles V attack!
England

1377:

Edward III wups- ahm ded

1389:

France Not much warring going on doods… tbh we’re not too sure who’s in charge in France – can u halp? u can has this land u wanted
England noes. Scotland is giving us grief, and we’re not sure who’s in charge here either lol!

1415:

Henry V (england) k guys turns out i’m in charge
France yay! halps?
England nowai! Attack!

(battle of Agincort – France fail)

France

1420:

Charles VI ‘The Mad’ (france) Henry, I reckon ur kids should get the French throne, mine all suck donkey balls
Henry V sweet.
Random Scottish army attack!
English army piss

1422:

Henry V onoez I’m ded
England woop! Henry VI – ur king! how do you feel?
Henry VI I’m only 8 months old and don’t know how to talk to you yet
England lol o yeah. Well at least he’s in charge of France now. Phew! war over ^^ k lets all go home & have a lovely snooze to celebrate
France wut? nowai!
England drat! and we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky French
France lol

1429:

joan-of-arc I had a chat with god, turns out I’m great – and we reckon i can kick ass
France Go for it. break the seige at orleans then
England arr! we lose
France Nice one!
Charles VII (France) yay! I get to be king now
john Talbot (England) we’s gonna win still. sok!!! kapow!!!
France Quit it!

1453:

(Battle of Formigny & Castillon – England Fail)

England fine ok

Next week: How would elmo from sesame street summarise the rise of communism in Russia in under 100 words?

10 Top Tips for Certain Employment at NASA

I recently was given the opportunity to apply to be an astronaut at NASA. That is – on a whim I found where to submit an application to be an astronaut and sent them my cv (or resume).

As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.

10 top tips:

    Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’

    You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.

    Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.

    Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea

    You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.

    Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis

    Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!

    Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression

    You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.

    It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)

I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!

See you in space.

Bank Holiday

I am mourning the passing of the last UK bank holiday till august. Going to work everyday leaves you with a strange joy when you get an extra day of weekend… a day which is the precious gift of society to me.

Thanks society! You’re the best.

We can use the day or waste it at our leisure. For many it is a time to enjoy some extra time with the family; for others an opportunity to sleep off a particularly bad hangover. For me something sinister happens in my brain which makes me think things like: Hey lets sit in the same place for a few hours! Quick, find and watch all of season two of prison break right stat now!

And so my extra day off has me locked in a dim room, watching Michael Schofield and friends getting arrested twice an episode, beaten up, escaping and generally looking pissed off all the time. Brilliant.

Here is a picture of me wasting my time off:

Evening smacks me round the face and I feel slightly saddened that I hadn’t created some masterpiece, or started work on that thing (I’m not sure what it is but am sure I have the ability to come up with) which will make me a bucket load of cash. What was that thing again? oh well forget it… pasta time!

On the upside I found out about two new bands which I will definitely be buying more of the hourly radio and the long winters. Got me back into indy slightly – wahey

On second thought it totally wasn’t wasted time because now I know how to escape from prison and you don’t. In fact I have seen over 4 things about escaping from jail so Iam pretty much an expert at it now.

Humerous Shop Names

I was recently reminded of a great Mitchell and Webb sketch which features a meeting of people setting up a new laundromat business – trying to decide on a name for their shop, and come up with the name ‘touching cloth‘. Of course then they soon have an inkling that it it could have a different meaning in a sort of hilariously perplexed way which they carry off so well.

Also, doing a little research of my own it would seem that the only people that attempt to insert humor into the names of their shop end up using some deadful pun or other:

It would seem the ruder the phrase – the more hilarious it becomes when you think about an actual shop which might sell such things. For example suppliers of rack mounts for servers and other storage, call your shop ‘great rack’. Glass blowers: ‘blow job’. The list is endless.

I suppose the idea is that your potential customer will be bent double with laughter – and just have to see the merchandise that a shop with such a hilarious title has to offer. Then they will rush off to tell everyone they know how witty and fun the shop is they just saw… rather than think: what a tacky, gimicky name let’s hate anyone that even looks at that shop from now on – and then go somewhere proper that doesn’t look like it’s run by middle aged humorless fuckwits.

Lets hope that is the case.

Thinking about it I guess I am hoping for a bit much that the name of a shop will invoke such an extreme emotional response in anyone. I used to live near a fish and chip shop called the codfather and the best response that I recieved from anyone on hearing the name would be a small ‘heh’; which is the conversational equivalent of ‘I couldn’t care less’

Beaches and a sophisticated graph

I wanted to briefly write about beaches, which I have decided are quite nice. I don’t think I have developed enough maturity to just sit and bask in the niceness… For example on a sandy beach I will be propted to dig, or bury parts of myself . On a stony beach it is mandatory to chuck stones at any non-beach related object in sight (assuming it is not other people). I even did one of those trendy graphs to explain this, in case my words had for some reason been written in a way only comprehensable to myself:

I should be some high-flying marketing consultant with graph creating abilities like that

Comic

I know this is an old joke but I wanted to do a strip for it :)

Look Kids! It’s The X Men!

My new hobby: Wherever there is an X, it can simply be replaced with eggs instead, for sidesplittingly hilarious* results.

For example: Leona Lewis won the UK eggs factor last year. THATS EGGSTREME!!! I think that she is an Eggselent singer!

So without further ado, I give you… The Eggs Men!

*Depends heavily on your definition of hilarious, sidesplittingly and to a lesser eggstent: hobby.

Humorous Game titles

In a recent fit of boredom, a freiend and i wondered: If someone only heard the title of a game – what would they think certain games were about?

Counter Strike: Take on the role of several CEO’s throughout history, and use bribery, persuasion, threats and violence to win back the workforce without giving in to their demands.

Half Life: Simple Puzzle game, the player has to guess the rate of decay of a given radioactive substace. Then simply wait anywhere from 10-4000 years to see if they were right!

Call of Duty: Frantic Multiplayer competition. Using your voip headseat you must shout ‘DUUTYYYY!’ louder than everyone else!

Mario 64: Will you still need him, will you still feed him (mushrooms) now that he is grey haired, incapable of jumping, and needs to get up three times a night to go to the toilet?

(Anyone who thinks my photoshop efforts are a naff version of the b3ta weekly questions is a delusional liar)