Condensed History The Hundered Years War

I was reading about the hundred years war today because I relised how little I know about it and how historian types are always banging on about it. So to save you the bother I condensed it down for you here:
1337:

Edward III (England) Hai fellow French doods. you noes how ur royal line is ded? I am totly teh king of England & France now too!  kthx
Philip uhms… nowai: I is king. war ahoy!
Edward III lol look at the year
Philip lol

France Get England!!!
england Noooooooo. Get France!
France Nooooooo.

1360:

England truce?
France k

1369:

Charles V (France) Edward
Edward III ?
Charles V how come you didn’t observe that truce you negociated?
Edward III wut?
Charles V attack!
England

1377:

Edward III wups- ahm ded

1389:

France Not much warring going on doods… tbh we’re not too sure who’s in charge in France – can u halp? u can has this land u wanted
England noes. Scotland is giving us grief, and we’re not sure who’s in charge here either lol!

1415:

Henry V (england) k guys turns out i’m in charge
France yay! halps?
England nowai! Attack!

(battle of Agincort – France fail)

France

1420:

Charles VI ‘The Mad’ (france) Henry, I reckon ur kids should get the French throne, mine all suck donkey balls
Henry V sweet.
Random Scottish army attack!
English army piss

1422:

Henry V onoez I’m ded
England woop! Henry VI – ur king! how do you feel?
Henry VI I’m only 8 months old and don’t know how to talk to you yet
England lol o yeah. Well at least he’s in charge of France now. Phew! war over ^^ k lets all go home & have a lovely snooze to celebrate
France wut? nowai!
England drat! and we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky French
France lol

1429:

joan-of-arc I had a chat with god, turns out I’m great – and we reckon i can kick ass
France Go for it. break the seige at orleans then
England arr! we lose
France Nice one!
Charles VII (France) yay! I get to be king now
john Talbot (England) we’s gonna win still. sok!!! kapow!!!
France Quit it!

1453:

(Battle of Formigny & Castillon – England Fail)

England fine ok

Next week: How would elmo from sesame street summarise the rise of communism in Russia in under 100 words?

10 Top Tips for Certain Employment at NASA

I recently was given the opportunity to apply to be an astronaut at NASA. That is – on a whim I found where to submit an application to be an astronaut and sent them my cv (or resume).

As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.

10 top tips:

    Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’

    You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.

    Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.

    Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea

    You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.

    Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis

    Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!

    Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression

    You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.

    It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)

I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!

See you in space.

Bank Holiday

I am mourning the passing of the last UK bank holiday till august. Going to work everyday leaves you with a strange joy when you get an extra day of weekend… a day which is the precious gift of society to me.

Thanks society! You’re the best.

We can use the day or waste it at our leisure. For many it is a time to enjoy some extra time with the family; for others an opportunity to sleep off a particularly bad hangover. For me something sinister happens in my brain which makes me think things like: Hey lets sit in the same place for a few hours! Quick, find and watch all of season two of prison break right stat now!

And so my extra day off has me locked in a dim room, watching Michael Schofield and friends getting arrested twice an episode, beaten up, escaping and generally looking pissed off all the time. Brilliant.

Here is a picture of me wasting my time off:

Evening smacks me round the face and I feel slightly saddened that I hadn’t created some masterpiece, or started work on that thing (I’m not sure what it is but am sure I have the ability to come up with) which will make me a bucket load of cash. What was that thing again? oh well forget it… pasta time!

On the upside I found out about two new bands which I will definitely be buying more of the hourly radio and the long winters. Got me back into indy slightly – wahey

On second thought it totally wasn’t wasted time because now I know how to escape from prison and you don’t. In fact I have seen over 4 things about escaping from jail so Iam pretty much an expert at it now.

Humerous Shop Names

I was recently reminded of a great Mitchell and Webb sketch which features a meeting of people setting up a new laundromat business – trying to decide on a name for their shop, and come up with the name ‘touching cloth‘. Of course then they soon have an inkling that it it could have a different meaning in a sort of hilariously perplexed way which they carry off so well.

Also, doing a little research of my own it would seem that the only people that attempt to insert humor into the names of their shop end up using some deadful pun or other:

It would seem the ruder the phrase – the more hilarious it becomes when you think about an actual shop which might sell such things. For example suppliers of rack mounts for servers and other storage, call your shop ‘great rack’. Glass blowers: ‘blow job’. The list is endless.

I suppose the idea is that your potential customer will be bent double with laughter – and just have to see the merchandise that a shop with such a hilarious title has to offer. Then they will rush off to tell everyone they know how witty and fun the shop is they just saw… rather than think: what a tacky, gimicky name let’s hate anyone that even looks at that shop from now on – and then go somewhere proper that doesn’t look like it’s run by middle aged humorless fuckwits.

Lets hope that is the case.

Thinking about it I guess I am hoping for a bit much that the name of a shop will invoke such an extreme emotional response in anyone. I used to live near a fish and chip shop called the codfather and the best response that I recieved from anyone on hearing the name would be a small ‘heh’; which is the conversational equivalent of ‘I couldn’t care less’

Beaches and a sophisticated graph

I wanted to briefly write about beaches, which I have decided are quite nice. I don’t think I have developed enough maturity to just sit and bask in the niceness… For example on a sandy beach I will be propted to dig, or bury parts of myself . On a stony beach it is mandatory to chuck stones at any non-beach related object in sight (assuming it is not other people). I even did one of those trendy graphs to explain this, in case my words had for some reason been written in a way only comprehensable to myself:

I should be some high-flying marketing consultant with graph creating abilities like that