Perhaps it’s symptomatic of living in a city, divorced from the tranquil nature infested quagmire that is the countryside, but I have become irrationally enraged by infestations of some of god’s tinier and more annoying creations.
At work there has been an unending supply of little midges in the office for ages. They mostly enjoy spending their day madly wobbling about in the air directly in front of my face as I try to work, and as soon as I have managed to waft it away (by crazily flailing my arms about) another one will madly wobble over. Two of my friend houses have become the new residences of some delightful blood sucking parasites called bed bugs. These little guys are nts, which I found out when I stayed in one of the flats and woke to find bites all over me. I felt violated, raped even. blood raped. Now even my home isn’t safe as we have been befriended by an infestation of fruit flies. They mostly enjoy sneaking onto plates obscured by other dirty dishes, or into empty beer tins, and then scaring the crap out of me when I finally get round to cleaning up when I’m hungover.
I was today reminiscing fondly of my days at school, where a project in biology was to study some fruit flies by examining the colouration on certain ones after they had been having sex parties all over a mouldy apple. Can’t remember what for – something to do with DNA I’m sure. When the time came to examine them we had to put a little “fruit fly sleepy go snooze” on them so the little fellows dropped of into to dreamytowne and then we could find out what colour they were whilst they had little dreams about mouldy fruit. Now what thanks do I get for my naive benevolence they come round my house and have sex parties all over my empty beer cans and dirty plates.
Maybe I should lighten up and welcome my fellow creatures with open arms, instead of denying our ultimately common ancestry. But then I have long since abandoned the idea that I am some sort of cosmopolitan liberal hippy type like back in student days… So really the school system should be there to teach me fundimental skills I will use in later life, like how to mass murder insects instead of how to get them to sleep
p.s. Sorry that there is no pest control advice here if that is how you found this.
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Friday, 15 August 2008
I sometimes watch some noisy shows on full volume at 4am when drunk… If it bothers you – people that live near me please tell me like below and not with a note under the door like you did yesterday.
I noticed this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/7561166.stm
How would you brooch a subject to someone that they are enjoying sex… a little too much?
Here. Let me imagine a scene so you don’t have to bother:
Me: knock knock…
Randy McShagalot: A hello there neighbour! here for another cup of sugar?** =)
Me: Ah no… I couldn’t help notice last night that you were loudly screwing for an hour or so =|
Randy McShagalot: LOL! you heard that? oh well. we’re all human right? I mean, you don’t have a go at loud dustbin men do you? =D
Me: Well I might if I wasn’t scared of… It doesn’t matter =V
Randy McShagalot: … ***
Me: Frankly It has to stop woman! I was just trying to watch an episode of good old wildlife-on-one last night… and found it inappropriately arousing, now I have sexual feelings toward rhino’s. Down with this sort of thing o_o
You see? Completely embarrassing. I don’t think there is any way you can tell a random stranger *v to not do things that is a fundimental function of all life.
It’s like having a go at an old biddy for crapping too noisily.
* You better be reading this or I am so leaving a note under your door later.
** This week is the first after last weeks weg post about how we should all use ‘iconemotes’ to show, via the medium of text characters or ‘icons’ what we are doing with our faces at the time… because as I am behind a large barrier of wires and routers *v so it would be impossible to tell.
*** no iconemote here. she’s probably doing the same one as before
*v except to you – people that know me. high five!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/7561166.stm
How would you brooch a subject to someone that they are enjoying sex… a little too much?
Here. Let me imagine a scene so you don’t have to bother:
Me: knock knock…
Randy McShagalot: A hello there neighbour! here for another cup of sugar?** =)
Me: Ah no… I couldn’t help notice last night that you were loudly screwing for an hour or so =|
Randy McShagalot: LOL! you heard that? oh well. we’re all human right? I mean, you don’t have a go at loud dustbin men do you? =D
Me: Well I might if I wasn’t scared of… It doesn’t matter =V
Randy McShagalot: … ***
Me: Frankly It has to stop woman! I was just trying to watch an episode of good old wildlife-on-one last night… and found it inappropriately arousing, now I have sexual feelings toward rhino’s. Down with this sort of thing o_o
You see? Completely embarrassing. I don’t think there is any way you can tell a random stranger *v to not do things that is a fundimental function of all life.
It’s like having a go at an old biddy for crapping too noisily.
* You better be reading this or I am so leaving a note under your door later.
** This week is the first after last weeks weg post about how we should all use ‘iconemotes’ to show, via the medium of text characters or ‘icons’ what we are doing with our faces at the time… because as I am behind a large barrier of wires and routers *v so it would be impossible to tell.
*** no iconemote here. she’s probably doing the same one as before
*v except to you – people that know me. high five!
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
The dark knight, Bioshock, Iconemotes and… explosions
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I would like to point out a comment on metacritic to the newest Batman movie:
colin C gave it a 0:
Under normal circumstances this movie might get a two or three, but given all the bloated praise it’s gotten elsewhere I think the zero is warranted. It’s way too long, way too self-serious, and often makes little sense. My girlfriend and I were close to walking out because by the end we were exhausted by all the explosions, heavy-handed dialogue and thudding, stupid music. Batman Begins was fun, but this is just a loud, pretentious bore.
…
“All the explosions” – he says like its a bad thing.
I am currently doing an aghast face. I had to say that because you can’t see my face, I also wrote this in the past and may be wearing a different expression now. maybe I should have simply drawn my face using letters to form some sort of ‘emotional icon’ or ‘iconemote’
It may have gone something like this
Do8
you live and learn. I shall iconemote more often now to cut down on babbling and suggest you all do the same in your own web blogs or ‘wegs’
OGC
(that is a small man, standing raising his fist in readiness to iconemote more in his weg)
Back to the point: I have been recently enjoying Bioshock which is great! But people had similarly attacked it, based solely on the fact that it is brilliant and reviewers without fail said so too.
There appears to be some hidden joy in taking a negative standpoint simply because it will be clear evidence that you have a ‘mind of your own’ and such. Well for some reason I take personal offense to this and it makes me do a frowny face. much like this:
):>(
Next week: Will the punarama weg ever actually have a pun in it? This Wegger thinks no
epilogue:
I just remembered that iconemote came up in a conversation between me and a friend – just wanted to mention that it in case it wasn’t my idea – but his, and I have simply remembered. don’t want to get sued or anything
colin C gave it a 0:
Under normal circumstances this movie might get a two or three, but given all the bloated praise it’s gotten elsewhere I think the zero is warranted. It’s way too long, way too self-serious, and often makes little sense. My girlfriend and I were close to walking out because by the end we were exhausted by all the explosions, heavy-handed dialogue and thudding, stupid music. Batman Begins was fun, but this is just a loud, pretentious bore.
…
“All the explosions” – he says like its a bad thing.
I am currently doing an aghast face. I had to say that because you can’t see my face, I also wrote this in the past and may be wearing a different expression now. maybe I should have simply drawn my face using letters to form some sort of ‘emotional icon’ or ‘iconemote’
It may have gone something like this
Do8
you live and learn. I shall iconemote more often now to cut down on babbling and suggest you all do the same in your own web blogs or ‘wegs’
OGC
(that is a small man, standing raising his fist in readiness to iconemote more in his weg)
Back to the point: I have been recently enjoying Bioshock which is great! But people had similarly attacked it, based solely on the fact that it is brilliant and reviewers without fail said so too.
There appears to be some hidden joy in taking a negative standpoint simply because it will be clear evidence that you have a ‘mind of your own’ and such. Well for some reason I take personal offense to this and it makes me do a frowny face. much like this:
):>(
Next week: Will the punarama weg ever actually have a pun in it? This Wegger thinks no
epilogue:
I just remembered that iconemote came up in a conversation between me and a friend – just wanted to mention that it in case it wasn’t my idea – but his, and I have simply remembered. don’t want to get sued or anything
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Condensed History The Hundered Years War
I was reading about the hundred years war today because I relised how little I know about it and how historian types are always banging on about it. So to save you the bother I condensed it down for you here:
1337:
1337:
Edward III (England) Hai fellow French doods. you noes how ur royal line is ded? I am totly teh king of England & France now too! kthx
Philip uhms… nowai: I is king. war ahoy!
Edward III lol look at the year
Philip lol
Philip uhms… nowai: I is king. war ahoy!
Edward III lol look at the year
Philip lol
France Get England!!!
england Noooooooo. Get France!
France Nooooooo.
1360:england Noooooooo. Get France!
France Nooooooo.
England truce?
France k
1369:France k
Charles V (France) Edward
Edward III ?
Charles V how come you didn’t observe that truce you negociated?
Edward III wut?
Charles V attack!
England
1377:Edward III ?
Charles V how come you didn’t observe that truce you negociated?
Edward III wut?
Charles V attack!
England
Edward III wups- ahm ded
1389:
France Not much warring going on doods… tbh we’re not too sure who’s in charge in France – can u halp? u can has this land u wanted
England noes. Scotland is giving us grief, and we’re not sure who’s in charge here either lol!
1415:England noes. Scotland is giving us grief, and we’re not sure who’s in charge here either lol!
Henry V (england) k guys turns out i’m in charge
France yay! halps?
England nowai! Attack!
France yay! halps?
England nowai! Attack!
(battle of Agincort – France fail)
France
1420:
Charles VI ‘The Mad’ (france) Henry, I reckon ur kids should get the French throne, mine all suck donkey balls
Henry V sweet.
Random Scottish army attack!
English army piss
1422:Henry V sweet.
Random Scottish army attack!
English army piss
Henry V onoez I’m ded
England woop! Henry VI – ur king! how do you feel?
Henry VI I’m only 8 months old and don’t know how to talk to you yet
England lol o yeah. Well at least he’s in charge of France now. Phew! war over ^^ k lets all go home & have a lovely snooze to celebrate
France wut? nowai!
England drat! and we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky French
France lol
1429:England woop! Henry VI – ur king! how do you feel?
Henry VI I’m only 8 months old and don’t know how to talk to you yet
England lol o yeah. Well at least he’s in charge of France now. Phew! war over ^^ k lets all go home & have a lovely snooze to celebrate
France wut? nowai!
England drat! and we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky French
France lol
joan-of-arc I had a chat with god, turns out I’m great – and we reckon i can kick ass
France Go for it. break the seige at orleans then
England arr! we lose
France Nice one!
Charles VII (France) yay! I get to be king now
john Talbot (England) we’s gonna win still. sok!!! kapow!!!
France Quit it!
1453:France Go for it. break the seige at orleans then
England arr! we lose
France Nice one!
Charles VII (France) yay! I get to be king now
john Talbot (England) we’s gonna win still. sok!!! kapow!!!
France Quit it!
(Battle of Formigny & Castillon – England Fail)
England fine ok
Next week: How would elmo from sesame street summarise the rise of communism in Russia in under 100 words?
Thursday, 17 July 2008
10 Top Tips for Certain Employment at NASA
I recently was given the opportunity to apply to be an astronaut at NASA. That is – on a whim I found where to submit an application to be an astronaut and sent them my cv (or resume).
As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.
10 top tips:
Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’
You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.
Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.
Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea
You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.
Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis
Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!
Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression
You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.
It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)
I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!
See you in space.
As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.
10 top tips:
Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’
You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.
Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.
Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea
You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.
Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis
Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!
Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression
You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.
It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)
I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!
See you in space.