Condensed History The Hundered Years War

I was reading about the hundred years war today because I relised how little I know about it and how historian types are always banging on about it. So to save you the bother I condensed it down for you here:
1337:

Edward III (England) Hai fellow French doods. you noes how ur royal line is ded? I am totly teh king of England & France now too!  kthx
Philip uhms… nowai: I is king. war ahoy!
Edward III lol look at the year
Philip lol

France Get England!!!
england Noooooooo. Get France!
France Nooooooo.

1360:

England truce?
France k

1369:

Charles V (France) Edward
Edward III ?
Charles V how come you didn’t observe that truce you negociated?
Edward III wut?
Charles V attack!
England

1377:

Edward III wups- ahm ded

1389:

France Not much warring going on doods… tbh we’re not too sure who’s in charge in France – can u halp? u can has this land u wanted
England noes. Scotland is giving us grief, and we’re not sure who’s in charge here either lol!

1415:

Henry V (england) k guys turns out i’m in charge
France yay! halps?
England nowai! Attack!

(battle of Agincort – France fail)

France

1420:

Charles VI ‘The Mad’ (france) Henry, I reckon ur kids should get the French throne, mine all suck donkey balls
Henry V sweet.
Random Scottish army attack!
English army piss

1422:

Henry V onoez I’m ded
England woop! Henry VI – ur king! how do you feel?
Henry VI I’m only 8 months old and don’t know how to talk to you yet
England lol o yeah. Well at least he’s in charge of France now. Phew! war over ^^ k lets all go home & have a lovely snooze to celebrate
France wut? nowai!
England drat! and we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky French
France lol

1429:

joan-of-arc I had a chat with god, turns out I’m great – and we reckon i can kick ass
France Go for it. break the seige at orleans then
England arr! we lose
France Nice one!
Charles VII (France) yay! I get to be king now
john Talbot (England) we’s gonna win still. sok!!! kapow!!!
France Quit it!

1453:

(Battle of Formigny & Castillon – England Fail)

England fine ok

Next week: How would elmo from sesame street summarise the rise of communism in Russia in under 100 words?

10 Top Tips for Certain Employment at NASA

I recently was given the opportunity to apply to be an astronaut at NASA. That is – on a whim I found where to submit an application to be an astronaut and sent them my cv (or resume).

As such I would say I am pretty much an expert at it now, and thought I should share my wealth of space knowledge with all you budding astromen and women.

10 top tips:

    Where your interests are listed, put ’space’ and ‘being an astronaut’

    You must be in the peak of physical fitness to float about in space ships - so it may be useful to impress the reader with one of your feats of physical prowess. Under my achievements I put that I am able to jump a staggering 21 times before needing a shower.

    Underline your name at the top. Your name will then stick in their memories when they are choosing who they will get in to run their space stuff.

    Your space employers can be very fussy about who they choose – so be sure to sound very clever by using long words such as satanistic, garrotted or diarrhoea

    You may be required to work with others. Show your space popularity by listing how many friends you have. Personally I put both of their names in case they wanted to check.

    Annotate with space ships, stars, robots, aliens and other futuristic imagery. You will show yourself to have a good familiarity of all the things you will be dealing with on a day to day basis

    Many people would advise the use of a word processor and spell check or proof reading for an important document like this. Not true. At NASA a character trait that is prized is assertiveness, and decisiveness. Therefore feel free to write in whatever medium you think best: computer, handwritten or annotated painting. So long as you seem sure of your decision you will be on your way to Caprica in no time!

    Write that NASA is awesome in very tiny lettering throughout. This is a well known and effective subliminal messaging technique which is sure to create a positive impression

    You must include a picture of yourself. I chose to prove my dedication by superimposing my own face onto that of an astronaut using futuristic image editing methods which are probably beyond most of your capabilities, so I recommend simply using a passport photo.

    It is necessary to mention that you will be comfortable defecating in your space suit as most people don't realise that you are allowed to (actually it is the main reason for my initial application)

I include a scanned photo of my monitor with my cv on it so you can get an idea of how to lay out your document. I would wish you luck but follow these tips and you certainly won't need it!

See you in space.